Beatrice

Miss Beatrice had a drawer full of sex toys, but she never sailed off to the other side of the world because her vibrator told her to... Actually, you know what? That is kind of what she did, now isn’t it? Only her sex toy was that Brad fellow. — Donut[1]

Beatrice, "Bea", is Carl's ex-girlfriend and Princess Donut's former owner.

Description

Beatrice's wealthy parents raised and showed Persian cats, and Beatrice proudly carried on the tradition: she took Donut to cat shows almost every weekend, and dedicated an entire bedroom of their two-bed apartment to displaying Donut's ribbons, trophies, and multitude of framed photos (plus a closet full of leggings).[2][3] She spent the rest of her time cultivating drama, including auditioning for countless reality shows, instigating pregnancy scares, and picking fights in the hopes that Carl would propose.[4][5][6]

The Thanksgiving before the Transformation, she and Carl were fighting over her decision to adopt one of her mom's new kittens and sell Donut as a show-quality breeder.[7]

“You don’t even like her, Carl. Why do you care?

She’s your cat. She’s a living thing, and you took responsibility for her. I don’t understand how you can just give her up. I don’t care if you get another cat, but why do you have to give Donut away?

Do you know how much money she’s going to sell for, Carl? She’s a former international grand champion. She’s past her prime. I don’t understand what you’re not getting about this.”

He stuck around at least partially because, during the same trip, he overheard her say to her mother:

“He’s not complicated, that’s for sure. It doesn’t take much to make him happy. He says what he means. He won’t fight me, even if I try to fight. He’s not a doctor, but he makes good money, and he doesn’t spend it on anything. Plus I love him, mom. I know I screw it up a lot. But I do love him. I really do.”[8]

Just over a month later, Bea and her friends went on vacation to the Bahamas on December 26th.[9] Bea drunkenly posted a photo of herself sitting on her ex-boyfriend Brad's lap to her Instagram, and Carl decided he'd had enough drama and dumped her over the phone.[2]

Carl assumes that Bea was collected during the collapse.[4]

Appearance

Bea is thin, with long straight hair, pouty lips, and freckles.[10] She always wore an Aries anklet.[11]

She has a faded tattoo of her childhood cat/Donut's grandmother, Princess Chonkalot, on her lower back, surrounded by uneven wisps. Carl thought "the awful tattoo looked like a stoned Ewok," and made the mistake of telling her so... after jokingly asking why she'd gotten a tramp stamp. As Carl says of the entire conversation, "Yeah, that'd been a mistake."[12]

In a Third Floor Fan Box, Donut receives the same photo of Bea (and Brad) that prompted Carl to break up with her. The small framed selfie shows Bea in a bikini and large, round movie star-style sunglasses, with her arm draped around Brad's shoulders.[13][14]

History

Bea's dad was a lawyer in Yakima. He and Bea's Mother paid 20% of their total income to their church, and were deep in the world of breeding Persian cats.[15] Bea's mom has most likely been advising her to mask her intelligence and strike first for Bea's entire life; Carl sometimes wonders if Bea taught Donut to behave the same way.[16]

Bea and Carl were together for at least four years before the collapse, since Carl remembers adopting Donut with her. Bea had been cheating on Carl for years, hooking up with Brad and Angel's owner when Carl went to the gym three times a week.[17] At some point, Donut heard Bea say to someone who was decidedly not Carl, "Time to pay the Daddy tax."[18]

At some point after Bea and Carl moved in together, she became deeply invested in a legging MLM pyramid scheme not unlike LuLaRoe, and stocked a full inventory of boxes in Donut's trophy room closet. Once, Donut peed in one of the boxes and Bea "had raged at the poor cat."[3] Carl told her stop selling them, and she threw a massive tantrum that wrecked their kitchen.[19]

When Donut was in heat, Gravy Boat would sit in the tree outside their second-story apartment window. Bea called animal control on him twice and had gotten into a screaming match with his owner, Marjory, over it.[20]

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 3

Bea asked for a $300 electric litter-box for her birthday, then got pissed at Carl for buying it for her. [21]

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 4
After reading an article that said big fights might compel a man to propose, she made Carl sleep on the couch for a week. He thought he'd bought the wrong the coffee pods, and ended up beating Fallout. In reality, she was hoping he would propose. Donut explains this convoluted idea to Carl during the series of events that lead up to the You're the Reason Why Daddy Drinks! Achievement.[6]
SPOILERS FOR BOOK 5
When Bea was sad, she would dance with Donut.[22] When drunk, she would sing a nonsensical song comparing Donut to a root beer float.[23] She and Donut apparently did a Ke$ha act in bars after shows.[24]
SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6

Sally, Carl's coworker, sent him a friend request and asked him out once. Bea, logged into Carl's account, told Sally off and messaged Carl's boss Dick from her own account, telling him to fire Sally for stalking Carl. She shared this experience with her friends, who called it "Operation: Slut Stomp." When Dick replied asking what Bea would do for him, she had her friend Tiffany ("the one with the lip fillers and the godawful fake Chanel bag") send back a picture of her breasts.[25]

When Tami-Lynn wrote to Carl on social media about Asher, Bea intercepted the messages. She took the information to her mother, who told her to ignore it. Carl never saw the messages.[25]

Story

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 4

After Carl broke up with her, Bea "flipped out" and demanded that Brad take her back to Seattle. They flew back early, and were standing in a parking garage when a "crazy man" (likely a residual) started setting cars on fire, forcing them to retreat into the cold. The residual and first responders were caught up in the collapse. Bea, Brad, and four dentists camped out in the remains of the airport for a week before venturing outside and discovering New Queen Anne. Bea is supposed to be a nurse in the camp, but spends most of her time sobbing and singing nonsensical songs to Gravy Boat. When she and Brad find Gravy Boat, she tells Brad how Donut would hiss and spit at the cat because Donut knew he was no good; "She was a lot smarter than me." [26]

As Carl tops the Leaderboard, Bea becomes the highest bounty on the Walk-On List. Lexis travels to Earth to rescue Bea from two bounty hunters, and delivers her to Odette.[26]

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 5

Odette claims she rescued Bea to save her from being transformed into Queen Imogen and as a favor to Mordecai, but then uses Bea to blackmail the Borant Corporation into giving her a higher revenue share.[10] She asks Carl and Donut to confront Bea (heavily sedated and confused) on a special episode of Dungeon Crawler After Hours with Odette, during which Carl notes that Bea has lost a lot of weight and looks like she aged ten years, and Donut licks her paw and speaks disdainfully to her former owner. Bea cannot seem to process that Donut can talk now, and asks Carl if he'll come to her.[11] After the interview, Donut goes on a rage-fuelled tirade directed at Bea, the effect of which was that she knew Bea was planning to get rid of her, expressing her disapproval of this barefaced move, reminding her of the bond that they had when she was born. She also calls Bea out for using Donut as a way to win more accolades, but in spite of that, she was everything to her, and therefore she thought that Bea felt thusly about Donut, and then she calls her out for her betrayal of Carl, who did nothing to deserve what Bea had done to him previously, even though Donut acknowledged his shortcomings. Donut then declares the following: Bea does not deserve Donut’s sadness—even though Donut still loves her (and hates herself for it), she does not deserve to explain herself—though Donut is glad Bea escaped the transformation, that being alone in a desolate world is a more fitting fate for Bea for her treachery towards Carl and for her plans to abandon Donut, as she will be alone and understand how Carl and Donut feel, and that Bea is not Donut’s “person” (referring to a common idiosyncrasy in cats, where they often pick one person as their favorite), and that Carl is now her “person”.[27][28]

Carl's final words to Bea are: "“I’m glad you’re okay... Truly. I wouldn’t wish our fate on anybody. Not even you. But what we’re dealing with right now is so much more important, so much bigger than this drama bullshit. It’s stupid that it was even a thing. I’m glad it’s finally over. I think Donut said everything that needs to be said. We’re done. Finally. Goodbye, Beatrice.”[29]

Bea is now heading toward the center system, and is a full citizen of the Syndicate.

Trivia

We know far too much trivia about Bea.

This section contains information from all published books.
  • She used to watch the Teletubbies and Gossip Girl, and cry through both.
  • Bea did not allow Carl to smoke inside the apartment.[2]
  • Bea left the TV on the Lifetime channel.[30]
  • Her favorite music is country music.[18]
  • She had candles all over the apartment but was "paranoid" that Donut would catch fire.[31]
  • Donut feels that Bea would "just adore" Tsarina Signet's "quite lovely thong."[12]
  • She frequently played Candy Crush on the phone with the volume maxed out when Carl was trying to watch TV.[32]
  • She loved to play roulette.[33][34]
  • Bea told people that Carl was in the Navy.[35]
  • One of Bea's cousins faked a post-cancer story to GoFundMe and raised a lot of money.[36]
  • She asked for a $300 electric litter box, which Carl gave her for her birthday. She was pissed.[21]
  • At one point, returning from a cat show, Bea was in a car accident. Donut was not hurt, but super spooked.[37]
  • She used castor oil in her hair to make it grow faster, and gave a drop to Donut before shows.[38] (Don't do this to your cats.)
  • Bea spent a lot of time watching pimple-popping videos.[39]
  • Bea referred to her vagina as her "lady garden" or "kitty"... but apparently not around Carl.[40]
  • Bea ate when she was sad, and vomited afterwards.[41]
  • Bea's friend Trixie broke into a man's house, even though he had a restraining order against her, and tried to carve something (presumably her name) into his leg. She only managed to write "T" before he woke up.[42]
  • Bea wanted a gun, but Carl refused to keep any in the apartment after they moved in together.[43]
  • She listened to Gregorian chant albums while doing yoga.[44]

See Also

SPOILERS FOR BOOK 5
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References

  1. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Chapter 24) (pp. 363–364). Dandy House. Kindle Edition.
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 1)
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 32)
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 4)
  5. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Chapter 15)
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Chapter 13)
  7. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Chapter 18)
  8. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 12)
  9. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Eye of the Bedlam Bride (Chapter 1)
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 18)
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 19)
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 6)
  13. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 17)
  14. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Chapter 15)
  15. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Chapter 23)
  16. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 12) (pp. 146-147). Kindle Edition.
  17. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 20)
  18. ↑ 18.0 18.1 Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 45)
  19. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 35)
  20. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 19)
  21. ↑ 21.0 21.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Chapter 29)
  22. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Chapter 29)
  23. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 74)
  24. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 70)
  25. ↑ 25.0 25.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Eye of the Bedlam Bride (Chapter 47)
  26. ↑ 26.0 26.1 Dinniman, Matt. The Gate of the Feral Gods (Epilogue)
  27. ↑ Donut Gives Bea the Business. Soundbooth Theater: Cold Read Clips.
  28. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 19) (pp. 185-186). Kindle Edition
  29. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 19) (p. 186). Dandy House. Kindle Edition.
  30. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Dungeon Crawler Carl (Chapter 13)
  31. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 5)
  32. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 9)
  33. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 14)
  34. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Chapter 9)
  35. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. Carl's Doomsday Scenario (Chapter 23)
  36. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Chapter 25)
  37. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 12)
  38. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 24)
  39. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 29)
  40. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 47)
  41. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 50)
  42. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Butcher's Masquerade (Chapter 54)
  43. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Eye of the Bedlam Bride (Chapter 46)
  44. ↑ Dinniman, Matt. The Eye of the Bedlam Bride (Chapter 54)
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